Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
