so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we're making bets on your personal life
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
