Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
