the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
