You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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