I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
