He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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