just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
