so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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