Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
