Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
