plz talk dirty to me
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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