JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
