My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
