Taylor Swift is so right about you.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
