i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
