It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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