He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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