Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
i will never coherently bang her
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
