The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Two words: nipple clamps
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