my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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