If i come over, it means nothing
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
