remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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