Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
