drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
they need to just BURY HIM!
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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