theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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