girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
