Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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