my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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