i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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