he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
