It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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