VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
This is classic penis vs brain.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
