Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
