So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
