Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
