I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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