I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
