I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
