no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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