We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
