I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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