Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
