Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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