every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize