I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
