Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
