I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just want nice things and good sex
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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