I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
