I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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