1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
