We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
